disguised in pain

four years or more ago i would have told you that one of my greatest fears is that i would never be able to be pregnant.  it was not a fear birthed (no pun intended) out of anything rational.  just one of those things.

three years ago, i got married.  :)

two months ago my husband and I found out we were expecting.  a very exciting time as we began to anticipate future.... everything...!  

(two months ago i had my first real fear of miscarriage.)

three weeks ago we received our first ultrasound and got to see and hear the heartbeat of our first baby. nothing in the world can prepare you for that moment.

about one week ago i went to my doctor for an emergency appointment and we were told our baby had stopped growing just a week or so before.

and that day, six days ago, was full of emotion, shock, tears, and disappointment.  it was the hardest.  especially seeing on the ultrasound image the same baby without a heartbeat this time.

so... seven days ago we were expectant, eager parents-to-be.  and one day later, we were crushed with a realization of an unfulfilled hope.  

brian and i took that day and the next off work.  we grieved and cried and prayed together.  and during those 36 hours, God has provided so much peace and care in our lives that i need this blog to 1) process it all and 2) tell of His blessings.  so here i go....

i know many people choose not to publicly share their exciting news until the end of the 1st trimester because the percentage of miscarriage is so high during this time.  i was one of those people.  i did tell family and close friends, and thankfully so, because their words of love and support was what helped carry us through last week.  and ironically enough, now that the unthinkable has happened, the last thing i want to do is hide everything.  to an extent, i have a natural desire to pretend like things are fine and dandy, but i don't know.....i feel insincere.  as a person, as a christian. doing that.  and for some reason, i've felt really convicted on that front to open my heart and life up to true community, to allow others to see transparently into our struggle and to give others the opportunity to love. which is, i suppose, another reason why i feel compelled to write it down in this way.

the day after the awfulness, i felt like i was able to do some processing, like a switch was flipped from emotional to non.  because well, sometimes, in ... life, my asian, realistic, objective self takes over at times (and this time, i am grateful).  i was able to see things a little more clearly.  and the clearest thing of all was how much i love, love, love brian.  experiencing this together makes me realize just how blessed i am to be his wife, and to love and be loved by him.  i feel 10x closer to him than before.  he is my favorite.  i would never wish that this for anyone (although i know many many women have similar experiences), but i am grateful in a way that i can't explain for having this opportunity to fall in love with my husband all over again.   <3

also, during this time, some people have shared 'encouraging' words like, God doesn't make mistakes.  meant as a reminder that God is in control, i know.  but i also know that God never causes something like this to happen.  this unfortunate situation happened because we live in a sinful world full of evil and hurt and pain that does not belong to the kingdom of God.  His kingdom is coming, but not yet.  and while we wait, i rely on the hope and promise that God does work good in all things for those who love Him (Rom. 8:28).  with that in mind, i can't help but think maybe there is a direction God wants to take us in now.  we mailed off our completed peace corps medical forms just weeks ago (if only to get reimbursed for the expenses to get the forms completed).  but now, who knows?  maybe this is a new direction for us now.

so as we consider all these things, we can't help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness.  not only did God bless us with peace that day (and peace the day after and after), and not only did we feel His love pouring from those around us who hurt and prayed with and for us, we also have been able to grow in our understanding of our magnificent God, in bounding leaps toward Him and His mercy and grace.

oh, and one more thing.

remember four or more years ago when i was afraid of never being able to have children?  and two months ago when i was anxious and concerned about miscarriage?  well now i'm not afraid of either anymore.  when i was finally confronted with the unknown and forced to deal with it, i realized 1) i am not in control and 2) God is.