September 29. A Day Worth Celebrating.

As a young college student, the way I imagined success to arrive in my 30s was to be measured by my career, house, children, and accomplishments. And now as I turn 34, I realize my "arrival" is not quantified but rather, qualified. My life is made richer and fuller by the relationships I have, beyond what my 20 year old brain could have even begun to ask for.

Much of this has happened to me, so I can't boast about what I've done to bring myself here. And while relationships can't be neatly measured, I do have dates I can pinpoint as the beginning of many life-defining experiences:

October 16, 2009

I began employment at World Relief in High Point, NC as the Match Grant Coordinator. This experience has forever changed my life's trajectory, passion, and purpose, and opened the door to a world of new people to love and connect with.  

March 22, 2013

Shivani Shrivastav came to our house for a temporary place to stay. 4.5 years later, we have gained a sister, a "Shi-Shi", and a lifelong friend.

December 3, 2013

Brian and I went out with our friends, Evan & Heather Blackerby, to discuss what it would look like to be in an intentional community together. After dinner, we drove around High Point praying about where God might be leading us to live. Four years later, we have homes and amazing neighbors in the same area we had originally driven and prayed through.

May 31, 2017

The beginning of a new season. Staying at home with my girls, ages 5 & 3, are a part of this season; my relationship with God is at the center of it. Putting all of the faith and trust I have on the line, I'm already coming to a deeper understanding of God than I've ever had before.

Daily, I struggle with the need to be in control. In control of my home, my kids, my life. But in this, I give a big sigh of relief, and a oh-so-genuine "thank you, God" that He took the plans I had made for myself 15 years ago, scrapped them, and gave me this simple, lovely life I lead.

Happy birthday to me, indeed.

the mission is the same

It has been less than 2 weeks since I left my job at World Relief, which I currently and emotionally refer to as “the best job I will ever know”. I have experienced a range of emotions, many of which have knocked me off my feet, as I did not realize just how deeply I would feel taking this new path. Since my mind is a jumbled mess these days, I’m only going to attempt to process these thoughts in a bullet point format; forgive me.

• Not having a schedule is underrated! Freedom has been redefined for me. Shackles are gone, and I am reveling in this newfound, non-Finance Manager kind of lifestyle. My days are no longer bound by the chores I need to get done because - heck! I don’t work; I can always do it tomorrow!

• Being home with my girls 24/7 is not as scary as I imagined it to be. Ok, ok - so before you judge, I have always enjoyed spending time with my girls. But there are layers of stress like any parent would understand. Much of the stress I anticipated, however, has eased now that I’m home. They are not constantly vying for my attention or needing to be held any time I’m around. And I am not always distracted by what household responsibilities need to get done before I go to work the next day. We can just BE together, and it’s been wonderful.

• I have felt lost. While I *know* my identity is first found in the grace of God, I identified so deeply with my role, mission, and relationships at World Relief. And all of a sudden, it’s gone, or at least changed. And it has taken some time to figure out what crosses over and what needs to be edited in my new role as a stay-at-home mom.

• This next one needs explanation - so bear with me - but my world feels much smaller, and if I’m completely honest, less purposeful. Working at World Relief brought the world to me. It taught me large life lessons, stretched the way I thought about humanity and my community, allowed me relationships with people who thought like me and who didn’t think like me. There was exposure to the wealthy, the middle class, the working poor, and those who can’t afford to pay rent and utilities. I met people of all different countries, cultures, and perspectives. And now? Well, now I spend the majority of my time at home, in a community with very similar social and economic luxuries.

A pendulum of these thoughts have swung back and forth in my mind for the past 10 days, making me a teary mess each and every day. I have felt consumed by my loss and overwhelmed by the responsibility of moving onto a new season of life. For some reason, I had put up this mental block that I needed to “break up” with World Relief. Sure, take what I learned and apply it elsewhere, but move on to something new. So, it was truly an enlightenment when my husband helped me come to this realization:

Being at home with my girls, ages 4 and 2, gives me the freedom and the responsibility to create an environment with eternal value. First and foremost, my role is to be a representative of God’s grace to my girls. And as I think through the “how to’s” of this, I realized that one of the most meaningful ways I’ve seen Christ in the world is through my work at World Relief, so why not start there with my girls? Teach them how to love by...loving; novel, isn’t it? But yes, show them God’s grace by seeing other people’s experiences of rescue. Allow them to understand justice by knowing stories of injustice. Grow in them a spirit of mercy, gentleness, and compassion as they understand and love others who have suffered hardship and who continue to love and give without judgement.

I feel silly that this is even an “aha” moment; it’s honestly more like a “DUH” moment. But all the same, it’s a “i’m so thankful” moment. I am excited to marry this passion of mine (serving refugees) to these loves of mine (my two beautiful girls). I have regained a sense of purpose and mission, and I know I wouldn’t be anticipating this new journey without where I have already been these last 8 years at World Relief.

it's not just a career decision; it's a life shift.

It’s not just a career decision; it’s a life shift.

When I began working at World Relief in October 2009, I couldn’t have imagined how this job would change my life. I was introduced to a world I never knew existed just 5 miles down from where I grew up. And refugees were just the beginning of it… Everything cross-cultural. World crises. Social services. The struggle to survive.

World Relief slowly began to shape my life, my faith, my heart. At first, I worked in direct client services, doing everything from airport pickups to ESL enrollments to celebrating a newly found job. After 3.5 years, I made the transition into a more administrative role as a Finance Manager. In this position, I learned more of the whys and hows of World Relief’s mission (empowering the local Church to serve the most vulnerable). Each new role has increased my passion for refugees and particularly the Church’s responsibility in it.

I have loved working at World Relief and with refugees much more than any other job I could dream of. Theoretically I was even willing to use my entire salary towards daycare, if necessary. So when I felt this God-tug on my heart over Christmas break to be more open-handed with my job, it was a big step of faith to even consider the idea. However, I believed my God is real and present, so I committed to praying through the possibility.

I asked Brian and some close friends to pray with me, and for the first month, I felt or heard nothing. Then on January 27, the Executive Order on Immigration was signed, and that rocked my world. I realized with renewed passion how deeply my heart connected with and cared for this work, these people. And then, I knew there was no way I could intentionally walk away from my job. As I continued to pray, I don’t know when and I honestly don’t know how, but within a few weeks’ time after the EO, I felt 100% sure that I needed to leave World Relief, and I felt 100% heartbroken over this knowledge.

As I’ve walked the steps to follow through on this decision, I’ve cried a thousand tears. I cried because I still wanted it; I cried because my identity was so strongly rooted in my job; I cried because my coworkers are like family to me; and to be honest, I cried because I was afraid of this new role as a stay-at-home mom.

Through the tears though, I have felt a deep sense of peace. I can’t understand it, but I trust it. I can’t quite explain it, but it carries me. In this 3-month journey, I have trusted God in a way I’ve never done before, and therefore, have experienced God in a way I never have before. It’s been so incredibly life-giving.

As I slowed down on all the tears, I have been able to slowly embrace this change and prepare my heart for this transition. What I have been pleasantly surprised to find is summarized in these 3 points:

1.      My work with refugees doesn’t end here. I see a great need for advocacy, especially within the Church. Also, what better way to advocate for those lost and hurting than with my own children? We will finally have the time to visit refugee families together and to begin the larger conversation of ‘serving the least of these’.

2.      Being a mom is the greatest gift and responsibility. Parenting by Paul David Tripp has been a timely read, and I am challenged by my role as an ambassador, a representative of God’s grace, sacrifice, and love to my girls.

3.      I am finding God more and more real as I learn to trust Him with areas of my life I want to guard extra closely. An excerpt from Anything by Jeannie Allen reads, ‘To risk is to willingly place your life in the hand of an unseen God and an unknown future, then to watch him come through. He starts to get real when you live like that.’

This decision is not a career move; it is not even a ‘what’s best for our family’ move. It’s a God-initiated, God-trusting, God-everything move.

I don’t know what’s in store for the future; I don’t know why God placed this on my heart over Christmas. But I do know that there is nothing more important to me than following the God I know and love and trust. And here’s to that grand adventure.